so

here's the thing. i am sick of this blog. it is bugging me. however, i like having a blog.

i'm a person that likes to change up the furniture and "organize" (you know what that means mom.)

it's time to change things up.
you can find my newly organized blog at lyndsielouise.blogspot.com.
i was gonna keep it a secret.
but i suck at secrets.

next chapter

ever feel like everything is about to change? it's thrilling and terrifying all at once.

5 (NOVEMBER)

I am grateful for friends. The ones that make me feel important, the ones that for reasons I'll never understand think I am hilarious, and the ones that will always listen to me. I don't want to name them because I'm afraid of leaving some one out and that is not at all what I want. If you consider yourself my friend, you are, and this post is about you. I love you. Thank you for loving me too. Sometimes all I need is to know that someone does. And sometimes all I need is to laugh so hard it hurts. Which you accomplish as well. I am grateful.

4 (NOVEMBER)

I'm grateful for the opportunity to live away from home right now. (Though happily not too far away.)
I am grateful for the things I am learning. Things I wouldn't have learned at home.
For example:
 I am learning how to budget. Today I even got new checks from the bank because I finally ran out of the complementary ones. (they have trees on them and i love them. the end.)
I am learning how to live on ten dollars for a whole week after I fail at budgeting.
I am learning how to schedule my time. Which may take me forever to learn to do.
I am learning things about myself and what I need as an individual that I could never have realized at home.
I am learning to better appreciate my siblings and parents.
I am learning, and I'm grateful for that.

3 (NOVEMBER)

(yes i skipped 2. 2 just got pictures taken that i am waiting on, so the post will come later)
After 1&2 these have no reason for the order they are in. Just what I think of.

So 3.

I am grateful for the smell of oil paints. No one can understand the joy I felt this weekend as I came home and the whole house smelled of my Daddy's paints. I have not had this aroma grace my nose in my home since I was five. (Admittedly at least once a week I go to the BYU bookstore and smell the paints, pastels, charcoals, paper...it's a disease.) But Daddy has not painted for almost 15 years. I about cried when I saw him working. It was beautiful.

1 (NOVEMBER)

The first thing i need to express my gratitude for is the gospel of Jesus Christ. There is nothing more important in my life than my Savior and Heavenly Father. They are always there and they will always love me. just for being me, which is the greatest blessing i can think of.

There is a peace and joy that come with knowing that you have a Father in Heaven who loves you and that will lead you to your greatest joys if you just give everything to him. I love my Savior. I know what he did for me, and i know it was for me. This gospel is beautiful.

photo credit to the internet and temple picture to my daddy.

NOVEMBER

october and november are undoubtedly two of my favorite months. november is especially dear to me. thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday. and to honor thanksgiving, november, and everything i have i shall post 30 things that i am most thankful for. (30 days in november get it?) this idea is semi-stolen from hilary's wonderful blog, sorry i'm not too original.

this is five posts in one.

acutally, i didn't count. it may be more. it may be less. we shall see.

this weekend i:
was hermoine granger to lacey's ron and jenny's harry. (oh trust me, pictures to come.)
i went to the uvu dance with my wizarding friends who got double takes all night as people tried to figure out whether they were girls or prepubecent boys.
dennys and high school kids asking if we just got done trick or treating. pure joy.

sunday was:
my big brothers homecoming! the boy is home from brazil. (post on this to come later...maybe. yes.) i missed him. and apparently so did the rest of the world because they all tried to squeeze into our little house. our house floweth over.

it also was:
HILARY NORTON'S 20TH BIRTHDAY! once again hil, happy birthday my dear! please pour out your two decades of knowledge upon me! ask my mom, i need it.

and then today:
i declared my major. it was frightening. and exhilirating. i'll tell you all about it later.

so it was less...who da thunk.

this is to you.

dear me,
dazzle me please.
love me.

this i will never understand.

who wants to be groped by a hundred strangers? no one that i know.
crowd surfing, the allure of you will ever ellude me.

this is how i creep.

i'm a creep. it's been confirmed. i like awkward. in fact i'm in love with it. let me tell you how creepy i am.

i love a certain blog. for my own sake i shall not say which one. now here is the creepy part. i don't know the person who writes it. i only know him from his blog. but i would marry him in a heart beat.

i read his blog religiously. but he only has around 5 followers, so i don't follow cause that would be openly creepy. instead i go to my blog, press some buttons that take me to a blog i follow, that he also follows, click on some more things, and presto, his blog. (and a billion commas apparently.)

i would probably hurry and close my lap top if someone saw me creepily reading his blog...that's not suspicious.


now to just add to my point, my beautiful roommate emily said this to me the other day, "usually pretty girls like you just aren't that creepy." it made my life.

this is me.

sometimes i have nothing to say. or i have too much to say so i don't write it all down, cause minimal effort is my best friend.
somedays all i want to do is complain. or be sassy. or scowl at everyone. today i did all three. except i was a scowlin away and some nim-wit looked at me and said "hi." i said "hey." but i said it in a way that clearly conveyed, "hey nim-wit i'm scowling can't you see? don't talk to me."
all the time i am a completely made up of awkwardness. i sit in the general area of the same kid every book of mormon class, and all though i know he knows where he knows me from, and so do i, when we were the only two people at jamba i looked away all awkwardly and pretended not to know him. how do other people talk to people so easily?
some clothes are best for days when you feel like i do today. today i wore my big brothers nice striped american eagle sweater. i look fabulous is all i have to say.
sometime soon i will get congress to pass a bill making all homework illegal, and called black magic or devil worshipping. (would BYU be excluded form the bill cause they're a private insitiution? looks like i have to take this one up with God.)
also i love my mommy.

this is cool.

micah showed this to me. tight right?

this is the song of the moment.

i have always loved maria mena. but mostly when i was down. this song makes me smile.
i'm a big fan of music sharing. so i share this song and its message with you. this is your push. you have it in you. now get to it!

this is for you, lady.

we all know why byu is so adamant about keeping their grounds particularly beautiful.
at least i thought we did. my mom found it quite entertaining when i told her the theory, and was sure i should post it on here. so lady, here ya go.

byu is a beautiful campus. well kept in every way. some may ask why. the answer?
it's a scheme my friends. a scam if you will. byu is a meat market. byu knows it is a meat market.
thusly in order to produce a most romantic atmosphere, and for the use of many an engagement picture, byu keeps their grounds spit-span pretty.

that's the theory. take it or leave it.

disclaimer: i have nothing against byu and i quite enjoy the time i spend on campus. i'm just sayin, when you believe in what we believe in...well marriage is a must right? and where else to find the love of your life than in a sea of like-minded people? it's just physics. (or summot.)

this is for you guys.

some people inspire and up lift you every time you see them. i know soo many amazing people. truly. just cause you aren't mentioned in this post means nothing, trust me. there is something about you that i absolutely admire. guarantee it. there will be more shout outs.

but lets here it for the boys.
TRENT HOWARD. i have known the kid since i was 2. we played doctor. he hated it. but i was a bully. we are kinda like family. i've been there watching as he's grown up, and he has never been anything short of stellar. this kid has more love and understanding in one hair then i have in my whole body. he's the kind of person who is just himself and everyone loves him for it. my mom calls him glue. he holds together groups of people that you don't think you would ever see together. his farewell was today (as well as his birthday) and there was such a large variety of people there for him. only trent howard could bring them all together. he is a pillar. strong in the gospel and a light to all.

TAYLOR Dalrymple... obviously i don't know how to spell his last name...but he is a wonderful guy. i've only known him since this summer but i feel like a close friend. taylor has a talent that few completely possess. he is capable of making every single person he talks to feel like the most important, amazing person in the world. he seriously does nothing but uplift. i love it. today was also his farewell. it was beautiful. his testimony radiates so completely. he's had stuff in his life that had to be hard for him. but you'd never know it. he loves absolutely. and he is always, always happy.

DARREN WALKER. what a STUD. i can't even comprehend where to begin with darren. we were never tight, but that never stopped him from being my friend. he is hilarious, sometimes his jokes are super cheesy, but even then it's just funny coming from him. darren recently left to the mtc. but then he had to come back. honorably, for medical reasons. i hung out with him 2 days after, and you can just tell it kills him that he had to come home. i have never met someone who so badly yearned to be on his mission. the kid is amazing. absolutely. he is so kind and honest. and after 3 weeks in the mtc he is so unworldly! it was refreshing to be around. the light he carries with him is truly beautiful.

they are examples of the truly good men you can find in this world.

this is a party.

you know what can make a person infinitely happy?

listen to this song whilst dancing and singing like a crazy.

i've been doing it all day.

(credit where due: i'm pretty much positive i got this song from hilary. hil-thanks for the infinite happiness. love.)

this is the herbarium.

in the herbarium things are said that when taken out of context sound utterly hilarious.
for example Dr. Johnson said this the other day when reffering to Dr. Welsh's medling in his plants:
"I don't mess with your Astragalus, stay out of my Deliahs!"

oh herbarium. my love for you constantly increases.

this is how it goes.

every woman that has ever been has said to themselves at one point in time or another that they must change in order to be beautiful. it's a fact. it's what keeps the earth on its axis.
i bring this up why you may ask?
because, i am the most insecure person i know.
i like to give off that "hey whatever, like i care what you think" vibe. but vibes are easy to fake.
and so is confidence.

my beautiful, amazing sister recommended a book to me called simply If You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull up a Chair.
this book is meant to be about how dieting doesn't work. apparently that's a fourth law of physics. every diet has an equal and opposite binge. (which i believe. but if a diet works for you and you are fabulous at it then heck! more power to ya!)
what this book taught me that i never thought before was i am a jerk. a complete and utter jerk. oh no, i'm nice to people i meet on the street, and i always try my best to be there for the people who need me, but i am the biggest jerk ever to myself.

girls i want you to do this for me. please recall the last things you said to yourself whilst looking in the mirror. was it something like "hey there gorgeous, you must be lost. you are way too good to even grace this earth with your presence. fly right up to heaven you angel." i'm gonna bet it wasn't. and i'm also gonna bet it went more like this; "oh my! get thee hence satan! you ugly, gross swamp witch what have you done with the body and face i wanted!?"

now pause. rewind what you said to yourself. and think. would you EVER even consider saying that to ANYONE ELSE? and would you take it if someone else said that to you? i wouldn't. i'd bust a cap on up in here. so why do we take it from ourselves? because if we think it must be true? lying to yourself is one of the easist things to do. and if you don't think you are GORGEOUS then you are a liar.

the mere fact that we are woman, and a creation of our Heavenly Father means that we are beautiful. completely. can you judge which of Monet's paintings was the most beautiful? the most accomplished? and if you say one, will everyone else agree on that same one? beauty, art, these things have always been in the eye of the beholder. you are a master piece that God made. and just because you, or someone else does not see the beauty in that piece of work, does not mean it isn't there. compare a piece of modern art to a classic piece. both are beautiful, and it isn't fair to compare them because they don't seem anything alike. same concept for comparing yourselves with others. when you compare yourselves with others you only see their strengths, matched up against your weaknesses. how fair is that? that is not an accurate comparison.

these things have been floating around in my mind. and as i've pondered them i've made myself some promises. first i printed this out. and promised to abide. then i decided that every morning, as i looked in the mirror and was about to tell myself how ugly, fat, and worthless i am i would instead say to that little voice, "shut it. i am NOT listening to you. i am a beautiful daughter of God whose worth is above the price of rubies. (proverbs 31:10) and i will shine today."

now i've been on my soap box for a good hour, it's time to get off and do some homework. but please remeber, you are beautiful. no matter what. as you come to this realization (not that it's something you realize and the next day you are like, "oh hey i have no insecurities or issues". not at all. it will take time.) but as you come to the realization of who you truely are you will begin to shine. you will radiate that truth and beauty. so go forth you beautiful people, and let your light so shine.

www.operationbeautiful.com

this is an ode.

it's here.
I felt it today as I stepped out of my apartment door. The first wiff of it came to my nostrils as I jay walked across Canyon Rd.
And then.....I stepped on a crunchy leaf.

Fall. The word should be said revrently. With much awe and love.

Winter, don't get me wrong, I love you too. But there is something about fall...

Everything changes. The smells, the weather, the styles, the foods. And it keeps you on your toes because not a one of us can be sure what is around the corner.

Fall is a mystery. A combination of change and beauty. In a world where we don't associate change with anything good, let alone beautiful, Fall is lovely contridiction.

this is a medical emergency.

Attention. Attention please. in a startling epidemic a new disease has began to spread to vast quantites of young adults. (usually in the 18-25 year range.) some have even likened it to a new form of black plague.

This disease is called college. C-O-L-L-E-G-E.

The symptoms of College are:

• brain numbness
• oozing brain traces coming out of ears and nose
• extreme pain in the brainal region
• inability to get normal amounts of sleep. or food.
• complete lack of focus on anything

If you or anyone you know have the symptoms of college i advise you get to a care facitlity immediately. (and by care facility i of course mean any place where you are not asked to think.)

RIP Moby Chubs.

Saturday I had an adventure.

for my bio 100 class we have to do 8 hours of service learning. 8.

there was an opportunity to get all 8 hours in one big field project.

so Saturday morning i got up at 5 freaking a.m. and with a group of 9 other students that i do not know (correction: didn't know) drove for 2 and a half hours to Yellow Creek in Wyoming.

while there we shocked fish, caught them, knocked them out, measured them, marked them, and sent them back to their homey creek. we did this until 6 at night.

the biggest fish was somewhere around 10 cm. big boy eh? sadly this fish died in the process of marking. we kept him. and named him Moby Chubs. he was big, he was a chub (type of fish which he technically wasn't) hence the name.

The importance of this experience and the wisdom i gleaned?

fish can actually be cute. and i can now tell the difference by just looking at them between a red-side shinner, a leather side shinner, a speckled dace, and a mountain sucker. life changing knowledge.

i look SEXY in chest waders. i shall wear them on every first date. chastity suit right there.

in a class where i knew no one, i now have five or more friends who i spent a whole day laughing and joking with.

wyoming can cause sunburns.

schoolio

tomorrow is the first day of school.

i've been going to school since i was 5. i've had quite a few first days. but i still feel the same as i did at 5.

nervous.

excited.

my outfit is all picked out.

nothing really ever changes.

because, i love it.

what do i love you ask? (oh yes, this title actually does lead into my post. amazing.)

i love driving in the dark. alone. cause i do it a special way. cause i'm special. like stop eating the paste special.

when it is dark, and warm, like it is these nights i roll down my windows. due to my lack of AC this isn't just for fun.

i blast my music. loud and proud. and annoying but ya know.

then i proceed to sing at the top of my lungs like i'm in a music video.

you know what i mean. you sing, but you make faces and act it out. like your cool or something.

it makes me happy and relieves my stress of the day. so if you by chance see a purple dodge stratus, wyoming plates, with a crazy singing driver, feel free to give me a honk.

tums

facebook gives me heartburn.

"i have amnesia but before that we were in love." or "our feet are dating but the rest of us isn't speaking" are two of the very few reasons i think it is ok to put "it's complicated" as your relationship status.

i often feel it is a popularity battle. this is probably only because i am losing.

i hate being "friends" with people i dislike, haven't talked to forever, or pretty much just don't know. but i'm bad at ignoring them.

millions of "!!!" and ":) (: :D" cause me to vomit.

people will, and often do, post anything as their status. there are somethings you should keep to yourself, and others you probably should never consider.

and trust me, that is not all.

waldo

i'm one of those annoying people that for some reason feels a burning need to constantly stand out. to be an original. you know the people. maybe you are one. you think every morning as you get dressed, "does anyone i know wear an outfit like this?" and change a million times accordingly.

well this morning, as i was putting way too much thought into the originality of my outside, i had a thought.

why in the blazes do i try so hard to be an original? the mere fact that i am an individual means i am original. God made me that way. so no matter what, i am different.

that thought of course doesn't necessarily mean i will try less hard, it was just a really good thought.

i'm on to you.

either ben or jerry is actually a woman. it has to be so. no man would know the exact recipe to make a girl feel like her ice cream binge was completely vindicated.

spinster, loner, whatev.

sometimes, most the time, i act like a spinster. or a loner.

for example i often seclude myself in my room on tuesday nights with a can of coke and an episode of the bachelorette. (which thank you roomies, i am addicted to. it's fabulous.)

tonight i hit a high that can only be described as religious lonerness.

i went to the movie charlie st. cloud. at a movie theater. by myself.

let me explain how this event happened. (by the way, the previews for the movie event.... totally creepy to me.) (haha totes creep tess. totes.)

you know when you wake up in the morning and you decide, "i'm gonna try today, cause i want to look cute tonight to go do something." so you curl your hair and wear make up and maybe make a savers stop to get something awesome.

but then, nothing happens. everyone is gone. or busy. and you feel like doing something anyway.

lately i've pulled away from the need to have some one else with me in order to enjoy myself. i think that might mean i'm grown up. ew. so cause i wanted to i went to a movie. with myself. i even got all dolled up and it was great.

i was a loner tonight. completely. and i loved it. i think i might take myself to a movie next week too.

(if loner was a religion would you have to worship alone? ponderous.)

never give up. never surrender.

We are going on an adventure. a crusade of sorts. to conquer a river called snake. in a state called wyoming. at a campsite named creek station. we are going to test our strength, to show nature we are strong. and we will succeed! but mostly we'll just eat a ton of delicious food.

my family (extended and such) go to the snake river every other year for a beloved river run. it's delicious fun. allow me to show you how we prepare.


first, we say goodbye to my favorite person.
then pack up the hoodies. the big boy ones that don't show dirt. mmm, perfect.
always needed are more games than any one will play
and oh yes please some of mom's fresh salsa
and these sexy things are a must.


so goodbye world for a week as i go to live in nature and enjoy myself.

Amen.

"To any who may be struggling to see [the] light and find

hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things

will improve."

-Jeffery R. Holland.

talk found here

invasion.

yesterday my house was invaded.

it was terrifying.

i even had to run away for a bit.

luckily, i made it out alive.

fourteen year old boys are a different species. but a species i thought i understood,

being that i often have the maturity level of an average fourteen year old boy.

poop is funny. so kill me.

what i didn't understand was that in concentrations of 20, fourteen year old boys are a lethal weapon.

a loud, inappropriate, swarming, lethal weapon.

some words to the wise:

1. don't feed them hot dogs. they get too much enjoyment out of saying wiener.

2. don't give them water balloons while still within range of their throw.

3. run. run far away, to the juice press for a smoothie.

4. don't expect to sleep when 10 of them sleep over.

5. love that your brother is in heaven so as to refrain from head biting.

my friends and I...

We do summer right.We hang out.
And just let life slide.

We jump through hoopsAnd show our love
We walk on water
And love small children...
Cause we're creepers.
Suppa creepers.

We have great dynamics.Especially when I'm farther away...
And sometimes when I'm close too.
Mostly though, we just have fun.
Cause that's what summer is for.

rules of the rant

This is an instructional guide to the ancient form of ranting. A form passed on to me from my elder brother Ian.

People don't always realize what an art form a true rant is. A well structured, passionate rant can be as succulent as a swollen peach. Delicious and juicy to the last drop. And trust me, Ian's rants were always the best of the bunch.

How does one begin such a delicate thing as a rant? With a rhetorical question. This can be delivered in several different ways. You can begin with a simple, understated rhetorical question that will lull the listener into a false sense of security so that the rant is a sneak attack! Or the question itself can be the signal to the beginning of a beautiful rant so that the listener can properly prep themselves for the word ballet they are about to witness. There are other techniques to dropping the bomb of rhetorical beauty, and skilled ranters will often have a signature drop.

The next step to a rant, and my favorite, is the layering on of heavy sarcasm. Be generous. Make the people feel it drip from every word. Let them sink deep into the sarcasm ocean and pull them out right before they lose all breath. They will think you cynical for a moment, but only until you move to the next step.

Now here is the backbone of your rant. A rant is basically a one sided argument. So have structure and proof! You must structure your rant like a great speech. You must hit your points, and hard! Like Winston Churchill once said, "Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time- a tremendous whack!" Whack your points almost to death, but leave them barely breathing. With just enough life that your audience doesn't feel you have worked your point too hard. Don't let them feel sorry for the point. Back up everything you say. Have proof. It is the marrow in the backbone. Without it the whole rant animal falls apart.

Finally you must end in a way that puts you in a humble light. Let them know that you know what you are talking about, and that you are most definitely right. But don't let them think you think so, or that it is your idea.

A rant is a tight rope. You must walk the line between over rant and under rant. It's a purely beautiful act of skill and timing. You must know when to take the next step, and when to pause for dramatic effect.

Go forth young ones. And rant well.

just a litttle baby

Sometimes I think about how old I am. I'm just a baby. But I'm in college. And I'm supposed to be learning things. And doing things. And becoming great things. How does one do that when they still feel 12? And people I know, people younger than me, are doing and becoming such grown up things.

But I'm not a grown up.

I'm just a baby.

But I have a grown up job. I go to grown up school. I pay for things like a grown up. I live in an apartment in the fall. Just like a grown up. My body is all grown up. I'm raised, I'm done, turn the oven off and take me out.

But I am not a grown up.

I'm a baby in grown up clothes, just learning where my legs are.

Just a little baby....with grown up things to do.

recipes for...

DISASTER. I mean work...
1 loud, ominous, T-Rex approaching, constant, rumble.
3 sets of progressively increasing BANG BANG BANGS.
a pinch of clangs
a smidgen of clatters
stir in 1 chorus of Pork & Beans by Weezer
repeat every 2 FREAKING MINUTES.

and you have:
my work area in sound form
1 headache
0 joy.
1 heavy dose of sarcasm.



Relief after work disaster...
1 car ride home with mom singing Blister in the Sun at the top of my lungs
2 bright red mustang sightings
1 bottle of bubbles
several wierd looks as I proceed to blow the bubbles out the window. On State Street.
all culminating in 1 delicious Taco Amigo fresh strawberry shake (to be split with mother.)

All in all, a very good day.

maybe i'm crazy....

i think i say more messed up random things than any normal person ought to. (not that i believe in ought's and should's)

for example, these are a few things i said today;

"stop the barking! save the chickens!"

"i'm dancing with my arms. it's a form of expression."

"it sounds like a real baby is in our house."

"people shouldn't make out with other people. it's icky."

"now i have sympathy pains. my eye hurts."

yeah....

sorry...

i have a guilty music pleasure.

his name is eminem.

i'm sorry.

da BOMB

I can't even begin this post in a clever way cause I have so much I want to say on this subject.

The subject? da BOMB. My little brother Micah. He is only the coolest person I know, my best friend, and the only person I think I am 100% my crazy, hilarious (that was said with slight sarcasm and an eye twitch), self!

Micah is amazing. Honestly. Let me just tell you a few key points about him.

-Micah loves. The only people that he doesn't like or get along with are people who try too hard and aren't themselves. Everyone else is given an open-armed, non-judgemental chance.

-Micah is color blind. Not literally. I mean skin color. When he was in Kindergarten he didn't even notice that his best friend was black. If you see him with his group of friends today, you will see every shade of skin known to man.

-Micah has an awesome sense of humor. When we laugh and joke it ranges from sophisticated snipes to any sentence with the word poop in it. (haha poop)

-Micah is musical. He doesn't think he is, but Micah has the ability to appreciate and understand all genres of music. (He can also sing whether he believes it or not.)

-Micah is strong. I'm not talking his muscles-which he will show to you if you ask- I'm talking in everyway. Micah is strong enough to stand up for what he believes, stand up for others, and stand up to others. He will hold his ground. Always.

-Micah gives. He gives 100% in all he does. And he does it right. He works his but off to get where he wants to be and gives his all doing so.

I could go on forever about this kid. I love him after all. But for the sake of the rest of you, I'll stop.

He's a quiet kid (on occasion), and he doesn't like to show emotion, but he's my best friend. I know him pretty well, so take my word for it. He's da BOMB.

hordes.

People bug me. I say it at least three times a day. When they don't seem to notice that the rest of the world is trying to get around them in a grocery store, and instead insist on taking over the entire isle, or they think the road is just their's to own, or they take over the musem with their hordes of tiny people and respect absolutely nothing and no one, or seem to think that they are exempt to signs for some crazy reason or another. All these happenings cause me to yell, "I HATE PEOPLE!".

I don't hate persons. just people. As good old Bill Cosby once said, "A person is smart. People are dumb." I just can't handle the dumbness of people. It causes me to go to extremes.

Extremes like leaving a class in the middle of a lecture. That happened often when the people would be dumb and not listen. Or just annoy me. Dumbness causes me to have road rage. On and off the road. Is it possible to have sidewalk rage? Cause i have it. Extremes such as typing a whole blog post on people being dumb. See what they've done to me?

And the worst part? I'm a people too. Sometimes i think if i was driving next to me or saw me in a grocery store (as if that is at all possible. please begin to question my sanity.) that I would cause myself to cry, "I HATE PEOPLE!" it's very probable.

I know what you're all thinking, patience grasshopper.

yeah...patience...not my forte.

we're so glad when....

daddy comes home!!

yes it's true. my papa is home! and i am happy :) so is his dog. he wouldn't even fetch the stick because he wanted to be next to his daddy.

so now he is home, here is a small bit of his wisdom:

me: how is your throat feeling daddy?

daddy: like it's been cut open.

well that wasn't what i expected. wisdom haha.

it so happens

daddy had surgery today. in fact he is at this moment still in recovery.

going in they weren't sure if it WAS for real cancer. now they know.

it was.

so here are a few lists.

list numero uno: thoughts i had in the hospital at 6 this morning,

1. i got to take my daddy to the hospital and spend a few hours with him this morning. just the two of us. he really knows how to downplay a surgery. he was just his fun mumbly self. giving me a list of things to bring him that he forgot. (on top of the list were his sketch pad, a pencil, and his electronic sketch pad he plugs into the computer. yup, the man is an artist.) and i thought, this man makes the hospital not a scary place.

2. watching a blood transfusion is crazy poetic. you watch as this big machine reaches down with its long, clear, plastic tendrils and embeds its only fang into a person. but not to draw blood. to give it. and it's strange how willing a deprived body is to embrace that which it did not make, but all the same, needs.

3. the hospital CAN be cold. no skin on skin contact. gloves on gowns. and the patients CAN become faceless in the numbers of hospital gowns, but they DON'T. at least not in my experience. some people CAN still care. even in the face of a detached hospital world. and that made me think, i have so many people to care for. i can never become detached from my life, my loved ones, or this gospel.

list two: things currently not found in my daddy's body,

1. a thyroid. yup. bye bye.

2-7. lymph nodes. 6 of them. wow.

8. (hopefully) cancer!

list three: things i am extremely grateful for,

1. my daddy. even after all the things his been through he is still strong and hilarious and one of my very favorite people to be around.

2. modern medicine. can you imagine taking out a thyroid way back when? pretty sure it wasn't possible.

3. and most important, this beautiful, wonderful, amazing gospel that has blessed my life more than anyone, even myself, will ever know.

4. a Savior who can be there for me, but who can also be with my daddy when he's alone at night in the hospital. it gives me such comfort to know he is never alone there.

5. my siblings. i love them all. each of them in their own silly way.

6. my tessie. she's basically a sibling, and she is always there for me.

7. a great old room mate, McKenzie, that always makes me feel like a special and important person.

8. all those that love me. near and far. and that i have the opportunity and blessing to love back.

9. missionaries. some great boys are out there that are doing some great things for people no where near me and yet it blesses me too.

10. my mommy. cause i love her.

11. this whole stinking world!

real life.

yes real life does exist. sometimes i pretend it doesn't. i like it better that way. but real life has a way of making you face it, so i think i will. on this blog. because everyone that actually reads this blog already knows all about it.

as you've read my daddy is amazing. he is also sick. with chrones disease. when i was little and eager to figure out exactly what chrones disease was i asked me daddy. he told me it's like having canker sores all over the inside of your intestines. plus you feel flu achy all the time. and tired. YUCK. it still gives me stomach aches thinking about it. not as bad as back then, but still.

my daddy had this disease long before him and mom had me. about the time my mom was pregnant with my older sister is when he was diagnosed. when he was 21 or 22. i'm not sure which, but still that is very young to find out you'll be sick all your life. but that's the thing. most people with chrones aren't sick ALL their life. i mean they ALWAYS have chrones, but not always so sick. they have flare ups and remissions. that's how their life is. i think my daddy's been in one constant flare up for at least the last 15 years. he's had numerous surgeries and more pain than i EVER want to comprehend. and it's hard. for him obviously. but for me too. to see him go through that. it makes me so sad. and so proud. he's such a strong daddy.

but more than sad, it makes ME strong. i have a firm belief that i would not be anywhere close to who i am without this trial in mine and my family's life. yes it is my daddy's trial. but it's ours too. and we've all grown so much through it. it amazes me that not one of us has decided that life is too cruel to believe in a God. we all KNOW our Heavenly Father is there. that he loves us. that he sent his perfect son, our perfect brother, to die for us. to rescue us from sin. from anguish. from sickness. from chrones. i love this gospel and don't know where i'd be without it. i know everyone says they 'don't know where they would be without it', but the truth is i don't want to think about where i'd be without it. life would suck.

now here is the thing. i've always accepted chrones as part of my daddy's physical makeup. it is part of who he is and the only daddy i've ever know is a daddy with chrones. it's been hard, but it's been ok. cause i knew it was only for now and i cry every time i think about how amazing heaven will be with my daddy all better. so chrones, i got it down. it's ok. what i never imagined having to accept was any more sick. at least not in my daddy. doesn't he have his fair share? and yet i always knew more was coming sometime. a while ago they found a mass in his lungs. that's a big red flag. so they checked it out. i was sure it was cancer. i was sure he would have to go through all that lung cancer comes with. the pain, the chemo, the end. but then...it wasn't. he was fine. but now they've found masses in his throat.

thyroid cancer. it doesn't matter how "curable" a cancer is. the fact that it says cancer is the scariest thing in the world. daddy has now been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. part of me knew this was coming, but all of me is still scared to death and having a really hard time accepting it. he has to get surgery. next monday. they are going to take out yet another piece of my daddy and try to fit the rest of the pieces back together to see if it works better. his thyroid will be bye bye. and maybe his lymph nodes too. if the cancer has spread there. then they will biopsy the lung mass that has been 'no big deal' for years.

and i'm scared. more scared than i have been for any of his many other surgeries. those were all for chrones. i can handle chrones. i've been handling chrones for 19 years. but this cancer thing. this is new. this is unknown territory. this is something i don't know how to handle yet. and it shows. at the worst possible times. like in the movie theater when watching last song with hil and kenz. figures that a movie about a girl finding out her dad has cancer and learning to deal with it would completely set me off. so i cried. correction i sobbed. in a movie theater. next to two dear girls who didn't need to see that and in front of a couple who had no idea why i was so hysterical.

i'm a person of pattern. chrones had a pattern. he got sick, he got hospitalized, he would need surgery. and i would turn to my Savior and my Father and everything would be ok. this cancer thing breaks the pattern. it's not even part of the pattern. it's like a black thread in gold silk. it's all wrong. maybe that is why i'm having a harder time than i've ever had in turning. i know everything that anyone will tell me. the 'it will be ok's' and 'God loves yous'. but knowing doesn't make it easier.

see what i'm saying? real life...not as fun as pretend.

sanctuary

this is why i love my room:

the walls are bright yellow.

it always smells really good and girly.

the book shelf is too small for all my books.

there are flowers and candles everywhere.

all my crazy half started projects lie scattered about.

the beautiful white curtains that go to the ground and let all the light in.

it's happy.

everywhere.

ever have those times where you feel like you're going a million miles a minute and getting absolutely nowhere?

me too.

unfamiliarity cannot breed contempt.

"That's my resolution for 2010: Let's hope everything is good, even though we know much of it won't be. Let's hope to be pleasantly surprised instead of making sure we're never disappointed. Let's leave the window open, just in case there's a breeze."

Amen NPR.

no pop tarts.

some enchanted evening from the show south pacific.

love song for no one by john mayer.

just haven't met you yet by michael buble.

what do all these songs have in common? you guessed it, they are all love songs. not just that though, they are all love songs that have to do with a love at first sight kind of thing. you see a stranger from across the room, the right person will just come into your life with right timing and luck, just hurry up and get here right person. yeah i guess it's romantic and fairytaleish (new word). but what if that isn't what i want?

I want to KNOW the person i love. i want a best friend first and a lover second. i don't want a pop tart, i want an actual thoughtfully planned out and baked pie. or cinnamon roll. both are good.

but what i'm trying to say i guess is i don't buy it. yes the commercials (or love songs in this case) make the pop tart look really good and the quickness of it is awesome i guess. sure a pie takes time, but isn't it worth it? in my eyes it is.

you know what would be really great? if you could have a delicious home made real pie in the time of a pop tart....the waiting part does really suck, but pie over pop tart any day.

I JUST WANT A PIE DANG IT!

SSD

I realized today that i have a problem.

I happen to know that the first part in overcoming anything is admitting that it is a problem.

So I openly admit that I have SSD. More commonly known as Severely Sucky Disorder.

In other words I suck.

Now this is the thing about SSD. It doesn't pertain to all areas of ones life. It may just cover one area. But if you allow it to go unchecked it will grow to other areas of life. My SSD is getting out of hand. It started so so small, but now it's like a giant arachnid sticking it's huge ugly legs into every part of my life!

I'm starting a support group. SSDA. (Severly Sucky Disorder Anonymous. Because I can only be original once in a while.) If you would like to join please leave me a note. Or you can contact me at 1-800-isuck. Again that is 1-800-isuck.

number is not valid in the U.S. or Canada. Or anywhere else on this Earth. Please try Mars.

boo.

you know the song about the snowman? How there was one and he was tall, tall, tall? but then in the sun he melted small, small, small?

Well,

I am the snowman.

School is the sun.

I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!

boo.

Nothing like Daddy's French Toast

(notice the painting. it's one of his.)

My dad is my biggest hero. (Well truthfully him and my mom often duke it out.) My father has been through so much more than anyone else I know. Yet I know that he would do anything for me.

Really,

ANYTHING.

My daddy has a nasty bugger of a disease, and a myriad of other health problems plopped on top of that. I feel that when most people look at my dad they don't see him. All they see is disease. Not my Papi. My Papi is not a disease. If they would just take a closer look here is what they would see:

A man who loves and is dedicated to his family.

An INCREDIBLE artist who has the talent to see beauty in everything and capture that beauty through paint, pencil, and lens.

A gourmet chef who's French toast and cinnamon tortillas have no rivals. (Both of these delicacies are often only consumed at my house between the hours of 11:00pm and 1:00am. This is usually the time daddy begins craving them.)

A teacher/historian who always pours out his wealth of knowledge through some personal story.

A comedic mumbler. The most hilarious things he says often come out of his mouth barely audible. The diligent listener will always be rewarded with a belly full of mirth and questioning stares from those who worry for their sanity.

A dog lover

A coke addict

A technical nerd

A romantic language enthusiast

A lover of Monty Python and other "dumb humor" as my mom calls it

A husband. A father. An Uncle. A Brother. A Grandpa. My daddy.

Anyone who know's this man is lucky. I'm blessed to always have him in my life.

School Teacher, Policeman, Fireman....all over rated.

Lately I have realized that I have absolutely no idea what I want to be. I also realized I would like to have that figured out before I am three years into college. I remember once upon a time in the lovely grade of ten I was forced to take a test that would tell me what I was most capable of going into as a living. The top two the test gave me? Bus driver and crossing guard. Correct me if I'm wrong, but crossing guards don't get paid do they? (Plus I'm starting to firmly believe that that test wanted me to be a creeper on small children.) So today I decided to search for my dream career. Here is what I found:

Wrinkle Chaser

A Wrinkle Chaser is the person that irons wrinkles from shoes as they are being made to ensure they are perfectly smooth when you buy them.
Perfect! I have a strange loathing for wrinkled shoes....not.

Chicken Sexer

This is a real job title. A chicken sexer sorts through baby chicks to determine if they are male or female, and then segregate them.
Smelly and dealing with birds. Oh my two least favorite things.

Citrus Fruit Colorer

A Citrus Fruit Colorer, with the help of steam and chemicals, gives citrus fruit a more natural coloring, because fruit is usually picked before it is fully ripe.
Now who doesn't love citrus and coloring??

Celluloid Trimmer

A Celluloid Trimmer shaves down a golf club and then adds celluloid bands onto the golf clubs to make the leather grip stay in place.
Um yes....I'll take one of those...?

Odor Judgers

Odor Judgers get to smell armpits all day to help make deodorants that will work well. I'm not sure why somebody other than some strange fetishist would want this job.
Two words; DREAM JOB.

Furniture Tester

Now here's a good one. The La-z-Boy Company (and probably others) employs furniture testers to check out their recliners. Want to relax for a living?
Now this job I would be AMAZING at. No sarcasm included.


As you can tell I have very high hopes for my future. Don't you worry Mr. W., I'm dreaming big and I am sure to see you at the top. Amen.

arguments and gnomes

i want a gnome in my yard when i grow up. and this gnome will be named pierre-pont. (said with frenchish accent.)

and this is HILARIOUS to me. monty python. my hero.

rabies

Dear Patrons of the Wilkinson Center Memorial Room,

I DON'T BITE.

when the only empty seat in the memorial room is next to me, you can have it.

you don't HAVE to walk around the room looking at all the full seats longingly, then move a table so that you can sit in a tiny crevasse.

unless i smell bad. then i understand. that's all.

Love, Lyndsie

bumping and what?

today i was presented with a lovely opportunity.

my mother chaperons the junior high dances. (so she can spy on my little brother. which he doesn't need cause he's a great kid.) i was invited to help chaperon. and i have to say...

EWWWWWW.

either it wasn't that bad when i was in junior high, or i was more sheltered and more of a goodie goodie than i thought.

do these children know what they are doing??? probable (and hopeful) answer is no. because even if they realize that they are bumping and grinding (!) i'm pretty sure your not supposed to do that with the same gender. (not completely sure cause i've never done it, but from what i've deduced its supposed to be a strictly girl boy thing....)

AND MY LITTLE BROTHER GOES TO SCHOOL WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!!!

pretty sure i saw more nastiness at this JUNIOR HIGH dance then i have in all of COLLEGE! (well it is BYU so guess thats not saying much..) i mean boys on girls, girls on girls, and boys on boys!!! ICKY!!!!!! i'd never seen such things until tonight! i'm more innocent than some 14 year olds. (sad? i don't think so. i'm happy that way.)

I am SOOO grateful that my little brother is NOT one of the kids in the back bumping and...you know. i'm grateful he is one of the kids in the front, knowing that what they are doing is completely acceptable. they don't stop what they are doing the second they see a grown up, cause they are being appropriate! AMAZING.

OH and one more thing. it is IMPOSSIBLE to try and tell kids off when they think you are one of them. when you come up to their shoulder they don't tend to listen to you. please bless that one day i will look my age. oh wait my genetics are completely against me. mom still looks 30 and she's almost 50. crud.

day maker: did anyone sit and enjoy the 30 min. or so of sunshine today? it was serious sun! i took off my jacket and soaked it on in. my poor paling limbs loved it. winter is my favorite, but i'm ready. bring on the warmth! i was sitting in my t-shirt soaking it up and watching all the people walk by HOLDING not wearing their jackets....and i couldn't help but smile :)

(the song 9 crimes by damien rice has been stuck in my head all day. it's pretty.)

religion requisite

i will admit that BYU seems to draw the very strangest people.

VERY strange.

I was in my book of mormon class today and two things struck me as very odd.

First:

There is a guy in my class who must be at least 25. (that's kind of old for that class because most of the people in there are in their first semester at school)

Anyway, this man ALWAYS knows the answers. especially to the most obscure questions.

Today he came into class late. which was weird within its self. his pocket looked like it had maybe his cellphone or wallet in it, you know, something was in there but it didn't look huge. that is when i realized men have endless pockets. or at least he did.

out came:

1 cell phone

1 wallet

3 toy cars

1 bag of cheerios.

and after all this his pocket still looked full. was there really more in there? it bugged me all class.

now i assume he has a kid. either that or he really likes cheerios and toy cars. which i don't judge. to each their own.

so here i am in BOM laughing at this guy with a mary poppins pocket when i notice something else strange....

the girl two seats ahead of me and one row over is chewing on her pencil. chewing on a pencil isn't that weird. the weird thing was the pencil. It was a regular number 2 pencil. with a few homemade upgrades.

it had a big gushy eraser. held on by a thin strap of duct tape wrapped tightly around it.

it had a little side clip. the ones you find on mechanical pencils or pens, also held on with duct tape.

i wonder if she knows that she can buy a pencil that already has one of those. or maybe she just likes her very specific pencil.....either way i thought it was odd.

day maker: i was at work (yuck) and while filing away some plants (smelly smelly plants) I came across this priceless name; Mentzelia todiltoensis. focus on the todiltoe. haha. mommy it sounds like toetal (tally). and it sounds like toad toes. either way i laughed to myself for a good minute.

like mother like daughter.

today i became my mother. well not literally. just more like her.

i got home and i was feeling...i don't know. not really stressed, not really bored. just neutral i guess. and so...i cleaned.

the entire apartment.

because it was something to do that gave me a feeling of accomplishment. working hard and doing something right (because mama taught me to never do anything half way. especially when cleaning) gives me such a feeling of relief and reassurance.

and i've found myself doing that a lot lately. coming home and cleaning.

i understand my mom so much better now. what she would mean when she would finish cleaning a room in our house and turn to me and say, "Doesn't it just feel so much better in here?" i always thought it did, but now i understand it better. when a room, an apartment, or a house is clean it lessens stress and strife. it's one less thing people have to worry about. besides, cleanliness is next to godliness right? i think so. i don't think there will be clutter in heaven. just coziness. (which looks wrong no matter how you spell it.)

so mom here is another post since you love them so :) and i love you so mama

day maker: today i was walking to the ESC. a guy came out the door i was going in, in enough time that he could have walked away and the door would have closed before i got there. yet he walked out, saw that i was heading for that door, ran back and held it open for me. having anyone hold the door open for you is nice, but when they go out of the way to do it...thats just sweet.

chivalry is not dead my friends. isn't that wonderful?

nearer to thee

i watched titanic last night.

and you know that part? the part where the ship is sinking and people are screaming and dying but the strings quartet starts playing Nearer My God to Thee? at that part i started to bawl.

not because the ship was sinking.

not because people where screaming and dying.

because of that hymn.

Nearer My God to Thee is my very very favorite hymn.

i've been feeling down lately. no real reason behind it. just down. and when that hymn started i realized i wouldn't need to feel down if i would just be nearer to Him.

and i cried. because i had a spiritual experience watching titanic.

most likely because i was browsing through the NieNieDialouges at the same time. probably the most spiritual blog ever.

and i started thinking about all the things i don't have to be down about.

like:

my amazing mom.

my beautiful sister and nephew.

my best friend/little brother.

missionaries. jake and ian.

silly brothers. cody.

best friends/basically sisters. tess, kenz, hil.

my hero. dad.

good times.

all my abilities.

all my millions upon millions of blessings.

the gospel.

Christ.

and i thought this:

i promise to be. nearer, my God, to Thee.

bowl of supers, a room mate, and nugs

do i watch the super bowl for the football? well no. but i do watch it because my family loves it. we eat and watch and eat and watch and puke and watch.

the most fun happens when my mom and little brother are cheering for different teams.

they are competitive people by nature. so every touch down is a chance to rub the other persons face all in it. its great entertainment.

my family sits in the living room screaming and cheering and laughing at screaming chicken commercials while i sit in the kitchen watching them over the banister, sitting on the computer, and stuffing my face.

it is the greatest.

i was thinking today how next year at college will shape up. and i'm sad and excited.

i'm sad because i won't be living with my room mates i have right now. i love them. they are much more out going then i am and it makes me reach outside my shell. which i don't do often.

but i will be studying things i want to more which is fun.

and i will be living with Tess. she is my favorite. she makes me laugh. all the time. and that makes me excited. just to be with her lots.

yesterday i went to a semi-formal dance that was basically all freshmen.

lots of people took dates. me and my room mates just went stag. which was the best choice ever.

we had waaaay too much fun.

and we met some random guys that we went to mcdonalds with to get nuggatized (50 nugs for 10 dollars. we had 150. yuck) and we watched a movie with them. it was really enjoyable.

then i went to bed at 3 and didn't want to ever get up. again.

burfdie

thursday was my birthday.
and it was wonderful.

on wednesday my good friend dedicated a whole post to me in her blog. it was sweet and made my life. thanks tessie
also on wednesday my other good friend took me to subway and a cheesy cartoon dollar theater movie of my choosing. it was wonderful. your great bert.

on thursday (the day of my birth) the same good friend that took me to eat and enjoy took me to get kneaders french toast. delicious.
when i was getting out of bed to go enjoy this feast my room mate startled me but suddenly waking and immediately singing a loud happy birthday to me. i love you kenz.
i went to take a test in the testing center and when they swiped my student ID i guess it told them it was my day and they all yelled happy birthday and gave me a super special happy birthday pencil to take my test with. best test taking experience i've ever had.
i then went home to pg to enjoy some taco amigo and the musical Les Miserables with my two very favorite people. (mom and micah)
when i got home good old patrick came over bringing me two very delicious cupcakes which we enjoyed before indulging ourselves in salsa, chips, and wilson's funny comments during the notebook.

then came friday.
that night my room mates took me to spark and we ate and drank and had a blast! they gave me wonderful birthday presents and a frozen yogurt stop. when we got home from that we changed out of our fancy clothes we had worn to spark and into our sweats. then we painted our nails and watched kung fu panda. the room mates fell asleep and i laughed to myself. then our friends from building 14 came over and we watched international tv. the fun of that is that you get to speak for the characters and the plots often become very twisted and funny.

it was a great three day birthday celebration. i'm so grateful for all the people who love me and want to make my birthday special. thanks everyone! (i was so grateful for all the texts, calls, and happy birthday wall posts too!)





may i just conclude by saying that fat free cream cheese....yuck.

late new years

some people like to make new years resolutions. and i suppose some people follow through and stick to their new years resolutions.

I do a little thing called new years suggestions.

This year i suggested that:

1. I go off diet coke. then my room mates bought me some. and my mom just gave me a twelve pack. so after that is all gone......then maybe
2. eat healthier and exercise. now that is just a long standing tradition for the women of the world to say that when a new year rolls around. so really, i'm just keepin with tradition.
3. try to actually make friends in my classes. i have actually made progress on this one. i no longer put my stuff on the two chairs to either side of me so no one can sit by me :). but that may just be because i only have one auditorium style class this semester so i can't take up said seats. maybe.
4. now now i know this one may seem a bit ridiculous, but i want to actually do well in my classes. ok i said it, the nice men in white jackets may take me away now. as long as at least one of them looks like taylor lautner. that werewolf man is fine.
5. read the most amazing book (book of mormon) through once again.

one of those days....

you know when you have one of those days? everyone knows what you mean when you say, "it's just been one of those days". have you ever had one of those weeks?

Suck.

that is the only word for it.

but then, miracle of miracles....

something happens....

and once again...
life is good.

it takes a couple days, but you know it's just gonna get better as long as you let it.

laughing with

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God when the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one's laughing at God when it's gotten real late and their kid's not back from that party yet

No one laughs at God when their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say "We've got some bad news, sir,"
No one's laughing at God when there's a famine, fire or flood


But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they've lost all they got and they don't know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize that the last sight they'll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one's laughing at God when they're saying their goodbyes

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war

No one's laughing at God in a hospital
No one's laughing at God in a war

No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
We're all laughing with God

REGINA SPEKTOR