rules of the rant

This is an instructional guide to the ancient form of ranting. A form passed on to me from my elder brother Ian.

People don't always realize what an art form a true rant is. A well structured, passionate rant can be as succulent as a swollen peach. Delicious and juicy to the last drop. And trust me, Ian's rants were always the best of the bunch.

How does one begin such a delicate thing as a rant? With a rhetorical question. This can be delivered in several different ways. You can begin with a simple, understated rhetorical question that will lull the listener into a false sense of security so that the rant is a sneak attack! Or the question itself can be the signal to the beginning of a beautiful rant so that the listener can properly prep themselves for the word ballet they are about to witness. There are other techniques to dropping the bomb of rhetorical beauty, and skilled ranters will often have a signature drop.

The next step to a rant, and my favorite, is the layering on of heavy sarcasm. Be generous. Make the people feel it drip from every word. Let them sink deep into the sarcasm ocean and pull them out right before they lose all breath. They will think you cynical for a moment, but only until you move to the next step.

Now here is the backbone of your rant. A rant is basically a one sided argument. So have structure and proof! You must structure your rant like a great speech. You must hit your points, and hard! Like Winston Churchill once said, "Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time- a tremendous whack!" Whack your points almost to death, but leave them barely breathing. With just enough life that your audience doesn't feel you have worked your point too hard. Don't let them feel sorry for the point. Back up everything you say. Have proof. It is the marrow in the backbone. Without it the whole rant animal falls apart.

Finally you must end in a way that puts you in a humble light. Let them know that you know what you are talking about, and that you are most definitely right. But don't let them think you think so, or that it is your idea.

A rant is a tight rope. You must walk the line between over rant and under rant. It's a purely beautiful act of skill and timing. You must know when to take the next step, and when to pause for dramatic effect.

Go forth young ones. And rant well.