maybe i'm crazy....

i think i say more messed up random things than any normal person ought to. (not that i believe in ought's and should's)

for example, these are a few things i said today;

"stop the barking! save the chickens!"

"i'm dancing with my arms. it's a form of expression."

"it sounds like a real baby is in our house."

"people shouldn't make out with other people. it's icky."

"now i have sympathy pains. my eye hurts."

yeah....

sorry...

i have a guilty music pleasure.

his name is eminem.

i'm sorry.

da BOMB

I can't even begin this post in a clever way cause I have so much I want to say on this subject.

The subject? da BOMB. My little brother Micah. He is only the coolest person I know, my best friend, and the only person I think I am 100% my crazy, hilarious (that was said with slight sarcasm and an eye twitch), self!

Micah is amazing. Honestly. Let me just tell you a few key points about him.

-Micah loves. The only people that he doesn't like or get along with are people who try too hard and aren't themselves. Everyone else is given an open-armed, non-judgemental chance.

-Micah is color blind. Not literally. I mean skin color. When he was in Kindergarten he didn't even notice that his best friend was black. If you see him with his group of friends today, you will see every shade of skin known to man.

-Micah has an awesome sense of humor. When we laugh and joke it ranges from sophisticated snipes to any sentence with the word poop in it. (haha poop)

-Micah is musical. He doesn't think he is, but Micah has the ability to appreciate and understand all genres of music. (He can also sing whether he believes it or not.)

-Micah is strong. I'm not talking his muscles-which he will show to you if you ask- I'm talking in everyway. Micah is strong enough to stand up for what he believes, stand up for others, and stand up to others. He will hold his ground. Always.

-Micah gives. He gives 100% in all he does. And he does it right. He works his but off to get where he wants to be and gives his all doing so.

I could go on forever about this kid. I love him after all. But for the sake of the rest of you, I'll stop.

He's a quiet kid (on occasion), and he doesn't like to show emotion, but he's my best friend. I know him pretty well, so take my word for it. He's da BOMB.

hordes.

People bug me. I say it at least three times a day. When they don't seem to notice that the rest of the world is trying to get around them in a grocery store, and instead insist on taking over the entire isle, or they think the road is just their's to own, or they take over the musem with their hordes of tiny people and respect absolutely nothing and no one, or seem to think that they are exempt to signs for some crazy reason or another. All these happenings cause me to yell, "I HATE PEOPLE!".

I don't hate persons. just people. As good old Bill Cosby once said, "A person is smart. People are dumb." I just can't handle the dumbness of people. It causes me to go to extremes.

Extremes like leaving a class in the middle of a lecture. That happened often when the people would be dumb and not listen. Or just annoy me. Dumbness causes me to have road rage. On and off the road. Is it possible to have sidewalk rage? Cause i have it. Extremes such as typing a whole blog post on people being dumb. See what they've done to me?

And the worst part? I'm a people too. Sometimes i think if i was driving next to me or saw me in a grocery store (as if that is at all possible. please begin to question my sanity.) that I would cause myself to cry, "I HATE PEOPLE!" it's very probable.

I know what you're all thinking, patience grasshopper.

yeah...patience...not my forte.

we're so glad when....

daddy comes home!!

yes it's true. my papa is home! and i am happy :) so is his dog. he wouldn't even fetch the stick because he wanted to be next to his daddy.

so now he is home, here is a small bit of his wisdom:

me: how is your throat feeling daddy?

daddy: like it's been cut open.

well that wasn't what i expected. wisdom haha.

it so happens

daddy had surgery today. in fact he is at this moment still in recovery.

going in they weren't sure if it WAS for real cancer. now they know.

it was.

so here are a few lists.

list numero uno: thoughts i had in the hospital at 6 this morning,

1. i got to take my daddy to the hospital and spend a few hours with him this morning. just the two of us. he really knows how to downplay a surgery. he was just his fun mumbly self. giving me a list of things to bring him that he forgot. (on top of the list were his sketch pad, a pencil, and his electronic sketch pad he plugs into the computer. yup, the man is an artist.) and i thought, this man makes the hospital not a scary place.

2. watching a blood transfusion is crazy poetic. you watch as this big machine reaches down with its long, clear, plastic tendrils and embeds its only fang into a person. but not to draw blood. to give it. and it's strange how willing a deprived body is to embrace that which it did not make, but all the same, needs.

3. the hospital CAN be cold. no skin on skin contact. gloves on gowns. and the patients CAN become faceless in the numbers of hospital gowns, but they DON'T. at least not in my experience. some people CAN still care. even in the face of a detached hospital world. and that made me think, i have so many people to care for. i can never become detached from my life, my loved ones, or this gospel.

list two: things currently not found in my daddy's body,

1. a thyroid. yup. bye bye.

2-7. lymph nodes. 6 of them. wow.

8. (hopefully) cancer!

list three: things i am extremely grateful for,

1. my daddy. even after all the things his been through he is still strong and hilarious and one of my very favorite people to be around.

2. modern medicine. can you imagine taking out a thyroid way back when? pretty sure it wasn't possible.

3. and most important, this beautiful, wonderful, amazing gospel that has blessed my life more than anyone, even myself, will ever know.

4. a Savior who can be there for me, but who can also be with my daddy when he's alone at night in the hospital. it gives me such comfort to know he is never alone there.

5. my siblings. i love them all. each of them in their own silly way.

6. my tessie. she's basically a sibling, and she is always there for me.

7. a great old room mate, McKenzie, that always makes me feel like a special and important person.

8. all those that love me. near and far. and that i have the opportunity and blessing to love back.

9. missionaries. some great boys are out there that are doing some great things for people no where near me and yet it blesses me too.

10. my mommy. cause i love her.

11. this whole stinking world!

real life.

yes real life does exist. sometimes i pretend it doesn't. i like it better that way. but real life has a way of making you face it, so i think i will. on this blog. because everyone that actually reads this blog already knows all about it.

as you've read my daddy is amazing. he is also sick. with chrones disease. when i was little and eager to figure out exactly what chrones disease was i asked me daddy. he told me it's like having canker sores all over the inside of your intestines. plus you feel flu achy all the time. and tired. YUCK. it still gives me stomach aches thinking about it. not as bad as back then, but still.

my daddy had this disease long before him and mom had me. about the time my mom was pregnant with my older sister is when he was diagnosed. when he was 21 or 22. i'm not sure which, but still that is very young to find out you'll be sick all your life. but that's the thing. most people with chrones aren't sick ALL their life. i mean they ALWAYS have chrones, but not always so sick. they have flare ups and remissions. that's how their life is. i think my daddy's been in one constant flare up for at least the last 15 years. he's had numerous surgeries and more pain than i EVER want to comprehend. and it's hard. for him obviously. but for me too. to see him go through that. it makes me so sad. and so proud. he's such a strong daddy.

but more than sad, it makes ME strong. i have a firm belief that i would not be anywhere close to who i am without this trial in mine and my family's life. yes it is my daddy's trial. but it's ours too. and we've all grown so much through it. it amazes me that not one of us has decided that life is too cruel to believe in a God. we all KNOW our Heavenly Father is there. that he loves us. that he sent his perfect son, our perfect brother, to die for us. to rescue us from sin. from anguish. from sickness. from chrones. i love this gospel and don't know where i'd be without it. i know everyone says they 'don't know where they would be without it', but the truth is i don't want to think about where i'd be without it. life would suck.

now here is the thing. i've always accepted chrones as part of my daddy's physical makeup. it is part of who he is and the only daddy i've ever know is a daddy with chrones. it's been hard, but it's been ok. cause i knew it was only for now and i cry every time i think about how amazing heaven will be with my daddy all better. so chrones, i got it down. it's ok. what i never imagined having to accept was any more sick. at least not in my daddy. doesn't he have his fair share? and yet i always knew more was coming sometime. a while ago they found a mass in his lungs. that's a big red flag. so they checked it out. i was sure it was cancer. i was sure he would have to go through all that lung cancer comes with. the pain, the chemo, the end. but then...it wasn't. he was fine. but now they've found masses in his throat.

thyroid cancer. it doesn't matter how "curable" a cancer is. the fact that it says cancer is the scariest thing in the world. daddy has now been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. part of me knew this was coming, but all of me is still scared to death and having a really hard time accepting it. he has to get surgery. next monday. they are going to take out yet another piece of my daddy and try to fit the rest of the pieces back together to see if it works better. his thyroid will be bye bye. and maybe his lymph nodes too. if the cancer has spread there. then they will biopsy the lung mass that has been 'no big deal' for years.

and i'm scared. more scared than i have been for any of his many other surgeries. those were all for chrones. i can handle chrones. i've been handling chrones for 19 years. but this cancer thing. this is new. this is unknown territory. this is something i don't know how to handle yet. and it shows. at the worst possible times. like in the movie theater when watching last song with hil and kenz. figures that a movie about a girl finding out her dad has cancer and learning to deal with it would completely set me off. so i cried. correction i sobbed. in a movie theater. next to two dear girls who didn't need to see that and in front of a couple who had no idea why i was so hysterical.

i'm a person of pattern. chrones had a pattern. he got sick, he got hospitalized, he would need surgery. and i would turn to my Savior and my Father and everything would be ok. this cancer thing breaks the pattern. it's not even part of the pattern. it's like a black thread in gold silk. it's all wrong. maybe that is why i'm having a harder time than i've ever had in turning. i know everything that anyone will tell me. the 'it will be ok's' and 'God loves yous'. but knowing doesn't make it easier.

see what i'm saying? real life...not as fun as pretend.

sanctuary

this is why i love my room:

the walls are bright yellow.

it always smells really good and girly.

the book shelf is too small for all my books.

there are flowers and candles everywhere.

all my crazy half started projects lie scattered about.

the beautiful white curtains that go to the ground and let all the light in.

it's happy.

everywhere.

ever have those times where you feel like you're going a million miles a minute and getting absolutely nowhere?

me too.