real life.

yes real life does exist. sometimes i pretend it doesn't. i like it better that way. but real life has a way of making you face it, so i think i will. on this blog. because everyone that actually reads this blog already knows all about it.

as you've read my daddy is amazing. he is also sick. with chrones disease. when i was little and eager to figure out exactly what chrones disease was i asked me daddy. he told me it's like having canker sores all over the inside of your intestines. plus you feel flu achy all the time. and tired. YUCK. it still gives me stomach aches thinking about it. not as bad as back then, but still.

my daddy had this disease long before him and mom had me. about the time my mom was pregnant with my older sister is when he was diagnosed. when he was 21 or 22. i'm not sure which, but still that is very young to find out you'll be sick all your life. but that's the thing. most people with chrones aren't sick ALL their life. i mean they ALWAYS have chrones, but not always so sick. they have flare ups and remissions. that's how their life is. i think my daddy's been in one constant flare up for at least the last 15 years. he's had numerous surgeries and more pain than i EVER want to comprehend. and it's hard. for him obviously. but for me too. to see him go through that. it makes me so sad. and so proud. he's such a strong daddy.

but more than sad, it makes ME strong. i have a firm belief that i would not be anywhere close to who i am without this trial in mine and my family's life. yes it is my daddy's trial. but it's ours too. and we've all grown so much through it. it amazes me that not one of us has decided that life is too cruel to believe in a God. we all KNOW our Heavenly Father is there. that he loves us. that he sent his perfect son, our perfect brother, to die for us. to rescue us from sin. from anguish. from sickness. from chrones. i love this gospel and don't know where i'd be without it. i know everyone says they 'don't know where they would be without it', but the truth is i don't want to think about where i'd be without it. life would suck.

now here is the thing. i've always accepted chrones as part of my daddy's physical makeup. it is part of who he is and the only daddy i've ever know is a daddy with chrones. it's been hard, but it's been ok. cause i knew it was only for now and i cry every time i think about how amazing heaven will be with my daddy all better. so chrones, i got it down. it's ok. what i never imagined having to accept was any more sick. at least not in my daddy. doesn't he have his fair share? and yet i always knew more was coming sometime. a while ago they found a mass in his lungs. that's a big red flag. so they checked it out. i was sure it was cancer. i was sure he would have to go through all that lung cancer comes with. the pain, the chemo, the end. but then...it wasn't. he was fine. but now they've found masses in his throat.

thyroid cancer. it doesn't matter how "curable" a cancer is. the fact that it says cancer is the scariest thing in the world. daddy has now been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. part of me knew this was coming, but all of me is still scared to death and having a really hard time accepting it. he has to get surgery. next monday. they are going to take out yet another piece of my daddy and try to fit the rest of the pieces back together to see if it works better. his thyroid will be bye bye. and maybe his lymph nodes too. if the cancer has spread there. then they will biopsy the lung mass that has been 'no big deal' for years.

and i'm scared. more scared than i have been for any of his many other surgeries. those were all for chrones. i can handle chrones. i've been handling chrones for 19 years. but this cancer thing. this is new. this is unknown territory. this is something i don't know how to handle yet. and it shows. at the worst possible times. like in the movie theater when watching last song with hil and kenz. figures that a movie about a girl finding out her dad has cancer and learning to deal with it would completely set me off. so i cried. correction i sobbed. in a movie theater. next to two dear girls who didn't need to see that and in front of a couple who had no idea why i was so hysterical.

i'm a person of pattern. chrones had a pattern. he got sick, he got hospitalized, he would need surgery. and i would turn to my Savior and my Father and everything would be ok. this cancer thing breaks the pattern. it's not even part of the pattern. it's like a black thread in gold silk. it's all wrong. maybe that is why i'm having a harder time than i've ever had in turning. i know everything that anyone will tell me. the 'it will be ok's' and 'God loves yous'. but knowing doesn't make it easier.

see what i'm saying? real life...not as fun as pretend.

Nothing like Daddy's French Toast

(notice the painting. it's one of his.)

My dad is my biggest hero. (Well truthfully him and my mom often duke it out.) My father has been through so much more than anyone else I know. Yet I know that he would do anything for me.

Really,

ANYTHING.

My daddy has a nasty bugger of a disease, and a myriad of other health problems plopped on top of that. I feel that when most people look at my dad they don't see him. All they see is disease. Not my Papi. My Papi is not a disease. If they would just take a closer look here is what they would see:

A man who loves and is dedicated to his family.

An INCREDIBLE artist who has the talent to see beauty in everything and capture that beauty through paint, pencil, and lens.

A gourmet chef who's French toast and cinnamon tortillas have no rivals. (Both of these delicacies are often only consumed at my house between the hours of 11:00pm and 1:00am. This is usually the time daddy begins craving them.)

A teacher/historian who always pours out his wealth of knowledge through some personal story.

A comedic mumbler. The most hilarious things he says often come out of his mouth barely audible. The diligent listener will always be rewarded with a belly full of mirth and questioning stares from those who worry for their sanity.

A dog lover

A coke addict

A technical nerd

A romantic language enthusiast

A lover of Monty Python and other "dumb humor" as my mom calls it

A husband. A father. An Uncle. A Brother. A Grandpa. My daddy.

Anyone who know's this man is lucky. I'm blessed to always have him in my life.

mmmmhmm. i love sunday.

i've decided that sundays are just the best day ever. it feels like every really perfect day is a sunday.
first you've got the weather. like this sunday the weather is the very best fall weather i could ask for.
but mostly just this sunday has been really nice.

i woke up....late....which is nice. i like sleeping in on occasion. (my mother is laughing right now and saying 'on occasion?!' love you mom.) anyway....then i went and met my mom and micah at the hospital to visit my dad.
it was great to see him. he looks really good and seems to be doing a lot better. we had a really nice conversation about the pictures on the walls of the hospital (all of which were no where close to his pictures. he is the most amazing, artistic photograher i've ever seen) and doing 'laps' around the nurses station and over to the vending machines.
i love my daddy. he is so smart and so creative and definitely my hero.

so that was the start to my day. after we were done visiting my mom, micah, and i went back to my house in pg. i love it here. (i'm here right now) i love when micah hasn't seen me in a while cause he won't leave me a lone when i come to visit :) i love that little boy. who i guess isn't so little seeing that he is taller and weighs more than me. but i still love him.

we ate a late lunch over at the howards. i love dena howards food. she cooks like she is from the south. everything has so much flavor and butter. i love it. the howards are the greatest people. they will literally give you the shirt off their back if they think you need it. or even want it. that whole family is so giving.

i went on a scooter ride with trent after lunch. i've only ever driven a scooter once in my life so it was interesting at first. i killed it a few times. how you kill an automatic i don't know. but i did it. haha. it was nice to get out into my neighborhood again. feels like i haven't seen any of it for a very long time.

i ran today. first part of my new resolution to run every day. haha anyone that knows me won't believe i'm going to do it. but i will show you all. and i will out run you all too.

i'm trying to be better about exercising and eating right. i've decided its time i said goodbye to my truest friend. diet coke. (mom i'm serious.) so goodbye diet coke. maybe if i get a migrane i'll turn to you once more, but for now farewell. someone else will have to drink you. try my mom. she would. :)

i just love my family. my little brother is so amazing. sometimes i wish i was as nice and open as he is. he has soooo many friends, and good grades, and he rocks at football. i hope he keeps it up. cause he is awesome and i love him. he is my poopsie after all :)

OH BOY! my laundry is done! i love folding warm yummy smelling laundry! yay! folding time here i come.